Devils Never Cry, They Merely Sniffle
by Metal Gear Prime
Summary: Chapter 4 is up! This week, Dante quests for the legendary Pride of Lion, tangles with moron extraordinare Phantom and meets the first of this fic's special guest stars!
1. Prologue

Devils Never Cry, They Merely Sniffle

By Kingdom of Deke

Summary: A parody of one of the best games ever. Simple, no?

Prologue 

We start off with a scene of Sparda against a fiery backdrop. Instead of the normal martial arts he starts to show off his dancing as the narrator speaks.

**Narrator: **Two millennia and a bit ago there was a war. A war between the human world and the other, The World of Unimaginable Evil and Morris Dancing.

As if on cue Sparda switches to Morris Dancing.

**Narrator: **Then someone from the demon world woke up not to justice, but the promise of 6 billion dollars and all the cream buns he could eat, and stood up to the legion of darkness alone. His name was Sparda, Darkest of the Dark Knights and Village Idiot Extraordinaire. After a long, bloody and terribly exciting battle, Sparda prevailed, chiefly due to the demons' incredible incompetence which dwarfed his not inconsiderable own. Afterwards he went on to live a life that was about as interesting and exciting as a book of Slovenian folk songs, fathering a pair of boys with a woman (well, duh). He proceeded to go down in history as the Legendary Legend, Sparda. 

A few years later…

Midnight in the City of Lost Hope, more commonly known as New Jersey.  Focus on the moon as Trish descends at a rapid pace. Instead of slowing down as she nears the ground she actually speeds up, causing her to smash through the pavement and leave a Trish-shaped hole. A few seconds and many four-letter words later Trish pulls herself out of the hole and dusts herself down. A quick glance around the street allowed her to spot her target: the Devil May Cry building. Getting on a nicely placed motorbike she roared towards the front door. 

Meanwhile, inside the Devil May Cry, erstwhile gumshoe Dante Sparda was taking a call.

**Dante: **Devil May Cry, you curse 'em, we kill 'em.

**Caller: **HELP! My cat Mittens is stuck in a high tree!

**Dante **(sitting to attention)**: **A cat, eh? Does it have talons as sharp as a Damascus blade, fur as black as the darkest night in Hades and eyes as red as the hottest fires of hell?!?

**Caller: **Well…he is prone to peeing on the carpet every lunchtime…

Dante leaps to his feet.

**Dante: **GOOD LORD! I'll be right there! But first, give me the password.

**Caller: **Password?

Dante looks at the phone sadly before hanging it up. As he sits down a thought comes to him.

**Dante: **I probably should have come up with a password before asking someone for it…

**WHUMP!**

**Dante **(looking at the door where the sound came from)**: **Good thing I had the whole front of this place reinforced with titanium.

The front door opens, revealing a bruised Trish who pushed in a smashed motorbike. Dante takes a great interest upon seeing her.

**Dante: **Hellloooooooooooooo Nurse!

**Trish **(struggling to keep her shattered shades in place)**: **Huh?

**Dante: **Nature calls? It's in the back.

**Trish: **Oh thank the Dark Lord! (off Dante's questioning look) The, um, Dark Lord of…Sunshine and Happiness…yeah.

Trish runs to the bathroom. Twelve minutes later she reemerges.

**Trish: **Ahhhh…that's what I get for having a bladder the size of a pea. Now, to business. I understand you're the handyman who'll take any dirty job, am I correct?

**Dante: **Almost. (Dante gets up and plucks the Force Edge off the wall, inadvertently ripping off the poster it was stuck to) I only take 'special' jobs, if you know what I mean.

**Trish: **You mean like this one?

Trish hands Dante a newspaper clipping, which screamed the headline "Albino Idiot Ruins Kids' Day Out" above a picture of Dante graphically killing the Teletubbies as some grade schoolers watch on horrified.

**Dante: **Ah…yes, well, there's a perfectly rational explanation for that…

**Trish: **Oh really? Let's see you explain THIS!

Trish grabs the Force Edge, sending a bolt of electricity through it. This is followed up by Trish whomping Dante's ass before grabbing the Force Edge and hurling it into his groin. To make matters worse, she proceeds to pump massive amounts of electricity into the unfortunate area through the Edge.

**Trish: **This is for Tinky-Winky!

She picks up the near wrecked motorbike and hurls it at Dante, who tries to whip out Ebony and Ivory but finds that his arms are too numb to respond. The bike crashes down on him.

**Trish: **Huh. That was…

Whatever Trish had to say was lost as the bike suddenly exploded, causing her to hit the deck. When she looked up again she saw Dante stride towards her, the Force Edge still stuck in his groin. Needless to say it was a bizarre sight.

**Dante **(very high pitched voice)**: **Even as a child I had powers. There's demonic blood in me.

Trish stares at Dante for a moment longer before bursting out in hysterical laughter.

**Dante: **Stop that!

As she laughs Trish catches a glimpse of Dante's shadow on the wall. This causes her to nearly black out from laughing so hard. Annoyed, Dante grabs the Force Edge and rips it out. Male eyes the world over water in sympathy.

Three hours later…

**Trish: **Ha ha ha…oh my…(gets up) Anyway, despite this attempt to castrate you, I'm not your enemy. My name's Trish and I have a proposition for you.

**Dante **(eyes widen in happiness)**: **REALLY?!

**Trish: **Not that sort of proposition you complete twat. I need you to help me destroy the World of Darkness!

At this Trish whips off the nearly destroyed shades. Dante stares in shock.

**Dante: **My god, y-you look exactly like…

**Trish: **Yes?

**Dante: **Baby Spice!

**Trish: **O_O

To be continued…

Next week:

**Trish: **I take it your not keen on visiting the Underworld then?

**Dante: **Of course I'm not! I'm about as popular there as a Nazi at a bar mitzvah.

See you then!


	2. Mission 1: The Bloody Curse of the Frigg...

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay, things have been mighty hectic these last few weeks. I'll try to update more regularly from now on. Anyway, to action!

Mission 1: The Bloody Curse of the Friggin' Puppets 

The moon can be seen high in the sky (where else would it be?) as Trish begins her tale of doom.

**Trish **(VO)**:** Twenty years ago the Dark Emperor Mundus rose from his tax free island hideaway in the Bahamas to rebuild his armies and…Dante? Are you listening?

**Dante** (VO. He also sounds somewhat shell shocked)**: **I had…the hots for someone…who looks like my mother…

**Trish **(VO)**: **Hey!

Kicking sounds can be heard as 'Eat at Joe's' is beamed onto the moon's surface.

**Dante **(VO, whimpering)**: **Mummy?

**Trish **(VO)**: **Oh for…anyway, blah blah blah demon army blah blah trip to the Underworld blah blah blah death for all concerned.

**Dante **(VO)**: **The Underworld?! I'll take the mission!

Trish (VO): I take it you're not keen on visiting the Underworld then? 

**Dante **(VO)**: **Of course not! I'm less welcome there than a Nazi at a bar mitzvah.

Later, the duo arrive at Mallet Island. As Dante chops the door open we can see he has an expression of giddy excitement on his face while Trish looks worn out and annoyed.

**Dante: **Oh boy, we're finally here! I'm going to go get Guybrush's and Le Chuck's autographs!

**Trish: **For the 900th and last time, it's MALLET Island, not MELEE Island!

Dante's eyes get all big and watery as his lower lip starts to quiver.

**Trish **(thinking)**: **Savior of the World my pert arse…(out loud) C'mon, to the castle! 

Trish leaps up a tall cliff to the entrance of the castle.

**Dante** (looking after her)**: **I could do that but I don't wanna.

Dante runs along until he spots a statue with a Yellow Orb in front of it.

**Statue: **Howdy.

**Dante: **Uhhh…hi.

Silence.

**Statue:** Take this Yellow Orb, it shall help you on your journey.

**Dante **(sudden burst of anger)**: **Why? Are you insinuating that I NEED HELP, YOU GRANITEY SON OF A BITCH?!?!?

**Statue: **'Granitey'…?

Cut to one of the castle's turrets, where a Green Marionette and a Blue Marionette are on guard duty. The Blue Marionette is spying on Dante through a pair of binoculars. He turns to his green comrade.

**Blue Marionette: **Dude, you've gotta see this!

The Green Marionette shambles over to the window and takes the binoculars. We see through her eyes as Dante is now hopping up and down in a mad fit and screaming vile things at the Statue, mostly about its mother and her alleged fondness for swine.

**Blue Marionette: **He hasn't even entered the castle yet and already his mind has snapped like a dry and brittle twig.

**Green Marionette: **Wow. That's gotta be a new record.

Cut back to Dante, who finishes his tirade against the Statue as he would a normal conversation, by blasting it to pieces with Ebony and Ivory. He then picked up the miraculous unscathed Yellow Orb and studied its grotesque face.

**Dante: **Cool, it's one of the Screaming Buddha series of stones!

Delirious with joy, Dante runs along, blissfully unaware of the Blue Orb fragment lying in wait for him in a towery type thing. Ah well.

As Dante enters the castle via a crack in the wall, he is startled by the sudden appearance of a large black screen imprinted with the following words:

Mission 1: The Bloody Curse of the Frickin' Puppets 

_Open the door marked thusly._

Picture of a door with a picture of two Marionettes doing something that can only be done by beings with no skeletal structure. Dante's eyes widen to twice their original size.

_And please try to do it quickly. The main hall's booked for a bridge tournament at twelve. This Mission Screen will self-destruct in five seconds._

Dante, slow as he is, didn't register this fairly important fact until it was too late. The resulting explosion sent him flying into the statue of Mundus on the far side of the hall. Not only was the statue demolished but the incident also made the term 'breakneck speed' quite literal for Dante. After a few painful moments of healing Dante staggered over to the Red Orb Door. As he got near a mystical red hand emerged from the barrier and ruffled his hair.

**Red Orb Door: **Ethel? That you?

**Dante **(apoplectic with fury)**: **NO-ONE, BUT NO-ONE TOUCHES THE HAIR!!!!!

Dante whips out the Force Edge and brings it down on the door. Taken by surprise the barrier shattered as did the unfortunate door. Happily surprised that his actions for once hadn't snuffed out yet more innocent lives Dante continued his journey and eventually came across an inert Bloody Mari holding a Rusty Key. Naturally enticed by anything rusty Dante plucked the key from the puppet's hand and made to leave the room, whispering 'my preciousssssssss' in a reptilian like voice. Hearing a twin clanging noise Dante turned around and found a dagger embedded in the ceiling while another lay on the ground ten feet away. He sees that the culprit is the Bloody Mari, now crouched in a throwers stance.

**Bloody Mari: **Bugger. Lemme try again, I know I can do this!

Bloody Mari whips out two more daggers and hurls them at Dante. They miss by a clear nine feet, severing instead the wires of the Green Marionette that was lowering itself behind Dante. It crumpled to the ground in a heap.

**Green Marionette: **I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!!!!

**Bloody Mari: **Aw geez…this never happens to Kaede…

Dante considered fighting one of the few creatures in existence that was dumber than he was but eventually decided against such an act on the grounds that his precious Rusty Key might get damaged. Sensing that his prey was about to escape Bloody Mari started hurling daggers at a tremendous speed, not a single one coming anywhere near the snappily dressed Devil Hunter. As Dante drops down the hole Bloody Mari doffs his cap dramatically and narrows his eyes.

**Bloody Mari: **One of these days, Mr. Sparda…one of these days…

**Green Marionette: **Um…a little help?

And so Dante made his way to the Rusty Key Door slicing and dicing any Marionettes that got in his way. After blowing a man sized hole in the door (unwilling to risk losing his Rusty Key, you see) Dante spied the obscene door he was told to find to his left. Careful to avoid looking at it, Dante tried to find the doorknob. After a few minutes of fruitless blind searching Dante slowly peeked at the door. His mouth dropped as he saw that the knob was placed in a very sensitive place on the male Marionette.

**Dante: **You've gotta be kidding me…

Deciding to bite the bullet, Dante grabbed the knob and turned it.

**Dante: **I feel dirty…  

When the door refused to open Dante saw the lettering below the x-rated tableau. It read thusly:

_The 17 puppets are my masters. Yes, the weakest enemies in the game are my masters. Does that please you? Does it make your own pitiful life that much more fulfilling?!?! I'll bet it does, doesn't it?!?_

Cut back to Dante's bemused face.

_Just for that, you'll have to defeat my masters in order to make me open up! NYAH NYAH!_

Slightly stunned from the message's outburst Dante walked around the broken down airplane in the center of the room, looking for Marionettes to slaughter. So engrossed was he in this task that he didn't notice the round hole in front of an obelisk. Falling straight in, Dante found himself up against a battalion of Marionettes, all armed with shotguns.

**Marionettes: **YEEEHAW!

In a misguided attempt to look cool, the Marionettes spun the shotguns. Unfortunately for them, their trigger fingers slipped the moment during the spin that their guns was pointed at their heads, resulting in the entire mob blowing their own heads off. Amazed, Dante took the elevator back to the plane room where he found the remaining Marionettes waiting for him, these ones armed with daggers and crescent blades. Taking heed of his earlier confrontations Dante stood stock-still. Minutes later he walked around the chips of wood that once formed a group of Marionettes, having witnessed a display of incompetence that the Keystone Kops couldn't have matched on their worst day. Screams of 'You git!' and 'Aim at him! HIM!' had raged around the room as the Marionettes ended up destroying each other with badly aimed dagger throws and spin slashes. Opening the Porno Door, Dante skipped happily on through, believing that all his enemies would be that easy to destroy.

Truly, the man was an arse.

To be continued…

*****

And now, the Bestiary!

This week: Marionette and Bloody Mari.

**Marionette**

This is one of the lower class spirits who need to possess an object to exist in the psychical world. In their finite wisdom, these spirits decided that a big hunk of wood dressed up like a Village Fair reject would offer them the best chance of survival. This fact alone should hint at an average Marionette's intelligence.

Despite the wide variety of weapons they can use, they are about as useful in a fight as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. More likely to destroy themselves and any other species allied with them before they can land a single hit on their actual target, many wonder why Mundus allows them to continue existing. Perhaps he's amused by their funny hats…

**Bloody Mari**

See 'Marionette' above, the one difference being the blood soaked clothes that the Bloody Mari wears, which increases their evil powers by the most miniscule of margins. It is unknown why this is so, though many guess it's because of the Bloody Mari's fury at having his nice clean shirt ruined by stubborn, hard to clean stains. Apparently laundry prices in the underworld are a bitch.

 


	3. Mission 2: Judge of Slightly Annoying Mi...

Chapter 3: Judge of Slightly Annoying Migraines

As Dante enters the hall he is accosted by the following mission screen:

Mission 2: Judge of Slightly Annoying Migraines 

_Your mission, which you have no choice but to accept, is to open the door to the cathedral._

**Dante: **And?

_And that's it._

**Dante: **That's it? Since when have mission statements been so simplistic?

_Since we found out that you're the only creature in existence whose IQ is  measured using negative numbers. Now get going._

And with that our intrepid devil hunter is booted into the hall, collides with the wall and slides off like a piece of undercooked spaghetti. Picking himself up, Dante entered the first door he saw. He finds himself in a room with a humanoid lion statue holding an hourglass above its head. As Dante approaches it turns its head towards him.

**God of Time: **HALT, MORTAL!

Dante looks around.

**God of Time: **I MEANT YOU, DUMBASS.

**Dante: **Me? But I'm not mortal, I'm half-demon.

**God of Time: **YOU ARE? I MEAN, OF COURSE YOU ARE! SUCH DETAILS ARE COMMON KNOWLEDGE TO ONE SUCH AS…THE GOD OF TIME!

Thunder booms. Lightning flashes. Lungfish bark.

**Dante: **God of Time, eh? Man, I bet you can do all sorts of freaky things with time.

**God of Time: **UM…WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

**Dante: **Well, being the God of Time must mean that you can do things like speed up time, slow it down or even make it run backwards! Right?

**God of Time: **WELL…UH, NO.

**Dante: **No? But…you can at least see in far into the future and the past, yes?

**God of Time: **UH…

**Dante: **…Do you even know what time it is now?

**God of Time: **MIDNIGHT?

**Dante: **It's ten in the morning.

**God of Time:** …

**Dante: **What can you do?

**God of Time: **I CAN PROVIDE YOU WITH SKILLS FOR YOUR WEAPONS AND POWER-UP ITEMS FOR YOURSELF.

**Dante: **And this has what to do with time?

**God of Time: **ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I ADMIT IT! I ONLY CHOSE THE NAME BECAUSE IT SOUNDED COOL! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?

**Dante **(sniffle)**: **No.

Dante leaves the room only to come face to face with fifty Marionettes, led by the vengeful Bloody Mari from Chapter Two.

**Bloody Mari: **Ahah! We've got you now, Dante!

**Dante: **And what of it? You guys couldn't hit a particularly large assed cow with a banjo. I need not fear you.

**Bloody Mari: **Oh really? Fuchsia Marionette! Bring out…THE UNHOLY HAND GRENADE!

A hand from the back of the crowd primes said hand grenade and tosses it. Unfortunately, it only goes as far as the Bloody Mari's shirt pocket.

**Marionettes: **RUN AWAY!

The Marionettes run for cover as the Bloody Mari frantically tries to get it out of his pocket. Just as he does so it explodes, ripping him into tiny, tiny pieces and his remarkably unscathed head. Dante takes all of this, shrugs and ambles up the corridor as Bloody Mari's head gives him the evil eye.

**Bloody Mari: **One of these days, Mr. Sparda…one of these days.

**Shocking Pink Marionette: **Dude, give it up.

Back with Dante, who by now has discovered the Alastor embedded in the female statue. Dante gives the grim tableau a good look.

**Dante: **Hmmm…I'm not really believing her pain here…

**Female Statue: **Not really believing my pain, eh? Alastor, sic 'em!

**Alastor: **Yip yip!

Alastor flies out of the wall and into Dante, knocking him to the ground. After a few seconds Dante opens his eyes.

**Dante **(high pitched)**: **What the…(looks down to see the Alastor buried in his crotch)…aw man, not again.

Dante contemplates the numerous ways he could extract the Alastor with minimal pain before deciding on what he figured to be the least painful way: lifting himself off the sword.

He was wrong.

After taking a few minutes to recover from the experience, Dante grabbed Alastor, ripped it out of the floor and raised it above his head. Lightning streaked forth from the weapon, causing the skylight above to shatter. Then, with his natural showboating nature rising to the surface, Dante proceeded to swing the blade around in slow motion, using an array of fancy techniques.

**Dante **(slo-mo)**: **Ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yyeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

After two hours of showing off Dante finished his routine, ending the slo-mo and sheathing Alastor in the invisible scabbard on his back (well, have you got a better explination as to how he fixes it there?). As he turns around Dante sees that the woman in pain has been replaced by a regal looking skull faced figure sitting on a throne. Five of his arms are clutching his head while the sixth is set in a way that it appears that it should be holding something.

**Dante: **Let me guess, you must be the Judge of Death.

**Figure: **Me? Oh no, no, no. The budget wasn't big enough to sign him up for this game. I'm the Judge of Slightly Annoying Migraines.

**Dante: **You're the what?!?

**Judge of Slightly Annoying Migraines: **You heard me. Listen, I need you to find something for me. 

A picture of a staff appears.

**Judge of Slightly Annoying Migraines: **This is my Staff of Aspirin. Return it to me and I'll allow you into the Cathedral. 

**Dante: **Right then. Off I go!

**Alastor: **Yip yip!

And so Dante went off on his mythical quest to find the Staff of Aspirin. After much item collection (whereby Dante found a nifty shotgun) and Marionette bashing, our hero retrieved the Staff and was about to leave the library he found it in when…

**Voice: **HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

As Dante turned around a trio of specters rose out of the floor and walls, all three equipped with a black cloak and a green lady mask. They are, of course, the Sin Scissors.

**Sin Scissor 1: **You're not going anywhere!

**Sin Scissor 2: **At least not without…

All three Sin Scissors pull out massive iron scissors.

**Sin Scissor 3: **A haircut!

**Dante **(hands on head)**: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Terrified at losing even a lock of his precious hair, Dante's Devil Bar filled up immediately, allowing the Devil Hunter to slaughter the deranged spirits before they could get even a snip in. Delighted, Dante left the library and returned the Staff to the Judge. As the door opened, a pack of Phantom Babies skittered into the hall. His destructive instincts peaked, Dante stomped all over them.

**Phantom Baby: **Armageddon! Armagedd - **SQUISH!**

**Judge: **You shouldn't have done that you know.

**Dante **(as he enters the Cathedral)**: **Oh please, what are they gonna do? Sic their all powerful daddy on me? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

**Judge:** Dope.

**Alastor: **Yip yip!

To be continued…

*****

Bestiary time!

This week: Sin Scissor and Phantom Baby.

Sin Scissor 

Many years ago a group of hairstylists sold their souls to Mundus in exchange for the skills necessary to become the King or Queen of Hairstylists. A year after the deal, all of the hairstylists were killed en masse in a bizarre accident involving curling tongs and seventy cans of hairspray. Their souls in his possession, Mundus fashioned them into Sin Scissors so as to bolster his foot soldiers and keep his men looking stylish and clean cut. 

The Sin Scissors are dependant on their masks for survival and will use their massive scissors to deflect blows aimed at them with considerable skill. However, all thoughts of personal safety go out the window once they spot a person with a bad hairstyle. They are extremely vulnerable as they attempt to fix the unruly bouffant, where a close range shot will destroy them easily. 

Phantom Baby 

The illegitimate children of Phantom, these spiders have the physical strength of a decomposed corpse and are about as attractive. Though to say that he is a deadbeat dad would actually be a complement, Phantom is extremely protective of his many, many kids and will deliver a slow and bloody death to whomever would hurt them. Or at least he would if he wasn't such an incompetent buffoon…    


	4. Mission 3: The Phantom Idiot

Mission 3: The Phantom Idiot 

Mission 3: The Phantom Idiot 

_Easy one this time, Dante me laddo. Simply retrieve the Pride of Lion from the altar._

**Dante: **And that's it? No tricks?

No tricks. And certainly no giant, lava filled demonic spiders who want to rip you limb from limb. No sirree!

**Dante: **YAHOO!

Dante runs into the room, which consists of super bendy pillars and an altar with the Pride of Lion floating above it. Smirking, Dante walked over to the altar and reached for the tablet.

**Dante: **Hmmm, somehow this seems too easy…but what the hey! Easy's good!

The second Dante touches the Pride of Lion, he is shot backwards by a powerful beam of light. He crashes through the double doors behind him and ends up on a bridge leading to a small round platform.

**Dante: **Ugh…well, I guess I had that coming.

Dante gets to his feet and walks toward the platform. Upon reaching it he sees a plaque set into the middle of the platform and proceeds to read the words inscribed on it.

**Dante: **"If thou seeks the Pride of Lion, thou must walk back the path and prove that thou is indeed the Machoest of Macho Men. P.S., at no point dost this trial involve being struck by lightning and falling into the sea to be attacked by giant demonic skulls."

Dante mulls over this new information.

**Dante: **"Machoest"…?

And so our intrepid demon hunter backtracked towards the castle.

**Dante: **Well, this is nice. The cool sea breeze, the beautiful sunset…

KRAKABOOM!

**Dante **(well-done)**: **…the large bolt of lightning which struck the top of my head. Yep, paradise.

The bridge chooses this moment to collapse, dunking Dante in an underwater corridor. Thanks to the fact that the only swimming technique Dante was an expert at was the Anchor Stroke, he had no choice but to follow the corridor to a coliseum-like area. Upon entering, the exit was sealed off and a pack of fearsome Sargasso was released. Realizing that he was in for a fight, Dante drew Alastor and braced himself as one of the abominations opened its foul mouth wide and…

**Sargasso 1: **Did'ja see the Bears game last night?

…immediately began yakking, much to Dante's bemusement.

**Dante: **Wha?

**Sargasso 1: **Oh, sport's not your thing? Well, did'ja see what Jordan was wearing at the premiere on Tuesday? What a ho!

**Sargasso 2: **Dude, I know! And do ya know who she's dating now?

Dante watches the mindless banter for a few minutes, his blank expression giving way to one of horror as he realizes what's going on.

**Dante: **Annoying…gossip…killing…brain cells! Will…to live…slipping…fast! Must…KILL!

**Alastor: **Yip…yip!

(Insert scene of bloodcurdling violence here)

Back in the cathedral, we see a soaking wet Dante smash the doors open and stomp over to the altar over which the Pride of Lion floated. Dante looks at it for a moment before quickly grabbing the P.O.L. from the light beam, which promptly shut down. Suddenly, Alastor starts to vibrate in order to warn Dante of impending doom. Unfortunately, Dante mistook it for something more…pleasurable.

**Dante: **Ooh! Didn't know it could do that.

**Alastor: **Yip yip!

Luckily, Phantom chooses this moment to drop from the ceiling, sparing the reader any more horrifying images. Turning around, Dante watched as the demonic spider waddled up to him, clad in a droopy fishing hat, a fishing vest and with a box of bait strapped to his back. Phantom eyes Dante critically for a moment before snorting derisively.

**Phantom: **Phah! Another small one! I sensed something a little bigger! What a disappointing catch!

Dante stares at Phantom blankly.

**Phantom: **Ya get it? Catch? Small one? Me wearing all sorts of fishing paraphernalia?

Dante continues to stare blankly.

**Phantom: **Hmmph. Damn humans, never getting my highly evolved demon humor. Why, I…(sniffs Dante) Wait a second…you're the bastard that killed my children!

**Dante: **Who, me?

**Phantom: **Yes, you! I'd recognize that stench anywhere, seeing as how the air over THE CRUSHED CORPSES OF MY KIDS was full of it!

**Dante: **But it wasn't me! It was…um…my identical twin brother Etnad! Yeah, that's it…

**Phantom: **Was it? Oh, well, I'm sorry for…HEY!

**Dante: **What?

**Phantom: **You don't have an identical twin brother! You just made him up and gave him a backwards version of your name!

**Dante: **…There's no legal proof of that.

**Phantom: **I'm going to enjoy this! This is for you, Timmy! And for you, Timothy! And especially for Tim, Timmy 2, Timantha, Timchel, Timbolena, Timella…

Four hours later…

**Phantom: **…Tim-Tim and last but not least, Tim-Chan. Now, Dante, prepare to…HEY!

Phantom turns around to see Dante sneaking towards the exit. Dante turns at the sound of the spider's voice.

**Dante: **Sorry. I thought you were going to keep going for a few more hours.

**Phantom: **Well, I wasn't. Now prepare to be incinerated by my mighty fire powers!

**Dante: **Mighty, eh? Mighty enough to destroy that pillar?

**Phantom: **Of course!

Phantom destroys the pillar Dante is pointing at with his flame breath.

**Dante: **Impressive. But is it mighty enough to blow a hole in the ceiling?

**Phantom: **That's not even a challenge!

Phantom blows a hole in the ceiling.

**Dante: **Cool. Still, I bet you couldn't destroy the floor beneath you.

**Phantom: **Oh yeah? Watch THIS!

Phantom aims at the floor beneath him and fires. The floor is oblivionized, leaving a large gaping hole right beneath Phantom.

**Phantom: **…Damn it.

Dante gives Phantom a little good-bye wave as the spider falls into the hole screaming. Six minutes later a loud, satisfying crash is heard. Smiling, Dante makes his way to the exit when a poorly acted voice drifts from the other door.

**???: **Daaaaaaaannnteeee! Daaaaaaaaannnteeee!

Curious, Dante exited the cathedral through that door. There, floating over the suspended-in-midair pieces of the bridge was Takajo, the Oni matriarch from Onimusha 2.

**Dante: **Whoa! A beautiful woman with a snake's tail for a body!

Dante thinks about this.

**Dante: **Why am I thinking of a Lemon all of a sudden?

**Takajo: **Daaaaaannnteeee…yooooo must leeeeap intoooo the abyss and compleeeete the seeeecret mission…

**Dante: **…Okaaaaay. Now what is that in English? 

**Takajo **(speaking normally)**: **That WAS English, you clown! It's not my fault they couldn't get a decent English language actress to play me. Speaking of which, why am I speaking English? I live in feudal JAPAN for cryin' out loud!  

**Dante: **Well…I'll be, uh, going now…

Dante leaps into the sea.

**Takajo:** Insensitive bastard.

Takajo disappears.

To be continued…

*****

Bestiary!

This week: Sargasso, Phantom and special guest demon Takajo.

Sargasso 

A millennia ago, Mundus had an epiphany. Realizing that it wasn't enough to merely inflict unspeakable physical pain on his victims, he concocted a means to destroy their sanity and break their souls. Thus were born the Sargasso.

The Sargasso are the souls of people who had literally talked others to death by discussing matters which interested them and no other person on the planet. Upon their death, Mundus fashioned each of them into a ghostly skull, after which they could float around tormenting their victims with news of who's dating whom and what a sports manager should've done to win a big game. Despite their fearsome powers, they are easily destroyed by a well-executed sword combo or gun blast.

Phantom 

One of Mundus highest-ranking demons, Phantom has the strength of fifty bulls, the stamina of a thousand finely honed athletes and the mental functions of a deformed guppy. Phantom's incredibly thick hide prevents damage from being inflicted on his person, but like a boss in any Sonic the Hedgehog game you could care to mention, he inexplicably keeps revealing a weak point and inviting an enemy to stick something nice and pointy in there. His inner body is composed entirely of lava, making Phantom indispensable when winter comes rolling in.

Takajo 

The Oni mother of oddball swordsman Jubei Yagyu, Takajo is also the owner of a laughably bad English voice ("Deeeefeeeet da deeeeeemons, Joooooobei") and quite possibly the funkiest hat in the history of video games. Her fighting skills seem to fluctuate wildly, as one minute she can strike down a master swordsman, the next she's helpless against a giant pig in a dress. Her appearance in this fic is completely pointless, save for trying to get a few cheap laughs. 


End file.
